Jokes, What else??

[batfreak]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

[Jaxom 27]

OLD! OLD! NEW MATERIAL! NEW!

------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[batfreak]

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish.
>>They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past
>>St. Peter. St. Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had
>>any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
>>I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St.
>>Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
>>pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl
>>the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a
>>penis?"
>>The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
>>stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy
>>Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of
>>commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the
>>front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
>>says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm
>>going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
>>Jackie
>>sticks her ass in it!!"


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

[Jaxom 27]

That's a classic...

------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
"You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[batfreak]

The Reverend John Flapps was a pastor of a small congregation in
a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main
Street and he happened to notice a female member of his
congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation
should do.
He walked through the door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home ?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs.
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink
and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both
lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around
for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs.
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked
over the bar and said, "Hey buddy, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the
bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps." The
bartender nodded and said, "Hell if you're that far in, you might as
well
finish her off !"

An Aussie travelers's tale:

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
night

he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her
$200
for the deed.

Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
for

$200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic
the
night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the
bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill
is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says.

"What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[batfreak]

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work, were strolling down
Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy
with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have
a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to
be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at
that. Suits ?10.00, Shirts ?4.00, Trousers ?5.00. I think that we
should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy
profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things
like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that
we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't.".

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best
English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the
talking
and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're
Irish so he won't."

OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
look English."

So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop,
where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do
his best Phil Mitchell impression;

"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie
Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying
with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
Murphy as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jasus. Mary mother of Christ, if
that isn't me best English accent. How in God's name did you know that
we were Irish"

The Owner replies. "This is a Dry Cleaners mate".


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[batfreak]

Please note that all Banks are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point
machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies
to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for
when
you use machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place
cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[JaceSan]

These useful quotes are from actual British Civil Service Employee
Performance Reviews & Evaluations

* since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom & has started to dig

* the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

* I would not allow this employee to breed

* this employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be

* works well when under constant supervision & cornered like a rat in a trap

* when she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet

* he would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle

* this young lady has delusions of adequacy

* he sets low personal standards & then consistently fails to acheive them

* this employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

* this employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better

* got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

* a grosss ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

* takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

* he doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier

* I would like to go hunting with him sometime

* he's been working with glue too much

* he would argue with a signpost

* some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled

* he brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room

* when his IQ reaches 50, he should sell

* if you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one


* a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on

* a prime candidate for natural de-selection

* donated his brain to science before he was done using it

* gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

* has two brains: the one is lost and the other is out looking for it

* if he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week

* if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

* if you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean

* it's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm

* one neuron short of a synapse



[This message has been edited by JaceSan (edited February 22, 2002).]

[Ski]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

------------------
Miral's Slave
tyledras's Sidekick
Sanctuary for an Elf

I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar!-Jay

I fart because it's my god given right-My Roomate

[Christine the bumblebean]

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' after."

------------------
those who hear not the music think the dancers mad
she is like a symphony to me

Christine the bean's site